Fifty Shade’s of Sex Appeal

Many of us would go to pretty great lengths to improve our sex lives, and Cosmopolitan writer Frank Kobola is apparently no exception. Kobola undertook an experiment to see if acting like Christian Grey for a week would improve his sex life with his wife. In case you’ve never read Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey is one of the main characters, an eccentric, mysterious billionaire playboy with notable quirks and a palpable sex appeal.

So what would happen if the average person copied his sultry mannerisms in an effort to up their sex appeal? Well as it turns out, this isn’t the perfect, clear cut experiment that one might expect. For starters, as Kobola points out, he’s no billionaire. Part of Christian Grey’s charm and attitude comes from his immense wealth, allowing him to get away with things that your average person simply couldn’t. While you can definitely mimic attitude, you can’t really mimic wealth. With that being said, Kobola highlights three instances of note that took place during this experiment.

In the series, Christian Grey is known for his pensive stare, an smoldering, dominating look that allows him to be both intimidating and attractive. While Christian Grey can easily stare his way into getting what he wants, Kobola found out the hard way that imitating Christian Grey’s trademark stare was a great way to look like an asshole. When his wife asked him if he wanted to make dinner, Kobola’s best “Christian Grey Stare” only served to irritate his wife.

In a hilarious attempt at a powermove, Kobola attempted to try and assert dominance with his money. Again, there are some key inconsistencies between Kobola and Grey, namely the fact that Grey is a billionaire (and at least for the better part of the series, a bachelor). Kobola attempts to assert financial dominance by trying to buy a gallon of milk with loose change before his wife can, which ultimately results in confusion and extra hassle.

Kobola’s last notable (and not to mention NSFW) instance came about after he attempted to mimic Grey’s skills at sexual dominance. To sum things up, Kobola’s wife quickly and adamantly refused to put a butt plug in before meeting her parents for dinner. As you can guess, she wasn’t turned on be any of Kobola’s attempts at mimicking Christian Grey, making the overall experiment a failure. Perhaps Grey’s mannerisms are simply too intense to mimic successfully, or maybe Kobola’s lack of immense wealth is too big a barrier to circumnavigate. All things considered, I think we can all agree that the effectiveness of Christian Grey’s mannerisms should be taken with a grain (or perhaps even a heaping spoonful) of salt.

Famous Face Tattoo Gets Explanation

Face tattoos have become somewhat of a fad, people even starting GoFundMe pages to have their facial artwork removed once they realize the permanency and stigma that follows their decision. One young man, 20 year old Christien Sechrist, decided to get such a massive piece on his face.

Unlike those replaceable images some impart on their skin, Sechrist had a more…noble reason for his artwork.

The young father had a black and white portrait of his toddler son, Perseus, forever added to the left side of his face. After his near death, Sechrist wanted to find a way to commemorate the love he had for his child.

Sechrist shared the image of his new tattoo on facebook and gained national attention, much of it negative. So, he took to the platform again to defend his choice, stating he loves it and doesnt regret obtaining it.

The image, which shows the boys chubby cheeks, big eyes and teeth, takes up half of the electrician apprentice’s face. Starting at his eyebrow and ending at his chin, the image even extends to his earlobe. Sechrist thanked the tattoo artist publically for the amazing work: “Thanks Cody Gibbs for doing awesome work on me. Looks just like my son,” he wrote at the time.

Friends thought that the image was a joke, some becoming outraged and stating this should have been placed in a more private location as to not hinder his job prospects in the future- asking how he would support his son when he could not find a job.

Many also feel that the father will regret the placement because of how society views facial tattoos and their wearers. Sechrist responded that his son looks at it and smiles, and that is what matters.

Brownies VS Breast Milk!

It is almost bedtime when little Johnny decides to tell us that he has to have brownies for school tomorrow. You realize you are out of milk. WHAT TO DO? Oh, wait, you see the baby bottles and say, THANK GOODNESS. It is all ok. You have breast milk. Whew!

Wait… breast milk? 

One mom found herself in this situation recently and made brownies with breastmilk to send to her son’s classroom. We all know that breast milk is the best alternative for babies. But, when the child that you are feeding is not your own, is this appropriate?

The mom in question thinks that her brownie saving use of breast milk is perfectly acceptable. She took to Facebook in the following post:

“… I made brownies for my school bake sale that had breast milk in them. I didn’t have time to run to the store and didn’t think it was a big deal (some of those kids could use the nutrition let’s be honest).One of the other moms found out and are blowing it way out of proportion”

Waiting on the kudos to come pouring in-  she was surprised at the backlash she received. Moms everywhere berated her for her UTTERLY ridiculous mistake.

“… “blowing it out of proportion”. They have no clue if breast milk is free of communicable diseases or illegal substances. How are the other parents supposed to know whether or not her breast milk is even safe? …”

One woman shared a funny, with a good point…

“…I made lemonade with my urine because I ran out of water and didn’t feel like going to the store to get more. I only drink Perrier so they were getting, like, the best urine ever. I don’t know why everyone was so mad about it.”

Criminal?

“Honestly this is actually a … criminal offense! Breast milk, like blood or semen, can carry diseases which are why legit donation services screen the milk before passing it along to moms and their babies. Secretly feeding children that aren’t yours baked goods with your bodily fluids in them is gross, shady and borderline psychotic.”

The initial question is HOW did anyone even find out in the first place? It also makes the rest of us further question the sanctity of homemade goods coming into the bake sale. Now we are not only worried about poisons, we have to worry if someone laced the snickerdoodles with bodily fluids? Like we don’t have enough to worry about!

Starbucks Keeps The Humor Going Amid Criticisms

Starbucks, known best for their steaming latte’s and pricy frappuccinos, can also serve up a bit of humour in the face of criticism. Financial Times columnist Lucy Kellaway had a few choice words for Starbucks, as part of her last column at the Financial Times before her retirement. Lucy referenced Starbucks’ executive chairman Henry Schultz, whom she referred to as “a champion in the bullshit space… [who has] provided me with more material for columns than any other executive alive or dead.” Ouch, not necessarily a flattering characterization.

But alas, Kellaway wasn’t done.

To qualify her ire, she cited a recent announcement made by Schultz, in which he describes Starbucks Roasteries as “delivering an immersive, ultra-premium, coffee-forward experience”. Admittedly a bit of a mouthful, but also a description that Kellaway profusely decries, stating that “In this ultra-premium, jargon-forward twaddle, the only acceptable word is ‘an’.”

Clearly, Kellaway isn’t a fan of Starbucks’ excessive wording/jargon. In fact, Kellaway has spent much of her career calling out companies for using excessive jargon in their advertising and descriptions. Starbucks of course was quick to defend themselves and address the concern, and they weren’t afraid to be a little cheeky in their response. Simon Redfern, a Starbucks representative, wrote the Financial Times editor a letter stating.

The challenge is — we just don’t see the issue. Ms Kellaway says “tomato” and we say “sun-dried optimised natural product driving positive consumer sentiment if served on organic rye.” Ms Kellaway says “potato” and we say “waxy-skinned tuber with a satisfying mouthfeel when fried or boiled.” Surely there is no difference.

In the end, it seems like Starbucks has no intentions of simplifying their wording anytime soon. For both parties involved, this seems to have escalated into nothing more than a brief battle of semantics. The most important party, Starbucks’ customers, don’t seem to mind a little excessive jargon for the most part. After all, coffee, by any name or description, is still delicious.  

Anonymous People Are Fighting Terrible Drivers With These Genius Parking Notes

Parking is a hassle already, and it doesn’t help when a small percentage of people seem to be trying to take up as many spots as possible. It’s the scourge of modern society, and yet something amazing has been born from these inconsiderate parkers and their need to hover their cars directly over the parking lines.

You may have seen these before. They’re notes and business cards that random citizens and parking lot vigilantes leave on the windshields of badly parked cars, and they’re riotous! Be warned, some of them contain bad language and maybe aren’t for the eyes and ears of kids!

Our favorites probably the parking note with the dog because it’s just sarcastic enough while still being good-natured to make us laugh without making us cringe. Get the printable here.

Source: Imgur

Also, props to the one with the turtle because it’s a coloring project as well as a lesson in humility!

Source: Reddit

However, as much as we like the creative and slightly silly parking notes, there is something to be said for the ones that are direct and pointedly rude. We guess that they seem to be mimicking  the parking jobs they’re calling out! The one with the condom definitely fits this this category!

Perhaps the very best is the Game of Thrones one, but maybe that’s just because we’re going through serious GOT withdrawals!

Source: Reddit

Click through and let us know which notes are your faves too!

Source: John Pozadzides

Don’t Park Like A Tool.

Source: Imgur
Source: Reddit
Source: Reddit